Archive for March, 2008

knocking on heaven’s door

“hfdlhksewqjpoko…..mak!! mak!! ajfga;g;l’;”

if you don’t understand it, so did i. my mentally-ill uncle came ruching out of the house and started telling me in his own language something bad has happened. i was shocked, i had never seen him panic before since he was mentalli ill a few years ago. however, i could make out what he was trying to say; something really bad has happened to my grandmother. i quickly parked my car and ran into the house only to see my aunties crying in her room. i asked what happened. my neighbour whose checking her breathing said, “her breathing is very weak”.

“let’s go and get a doctor here. drive me to the clinic” my neighbour, Rani, told me.

so i sped off with rani and her son in my car. “what happenened to pati??? is she going to be ok??” clearly the small boy was very afraid. he has been babysitted by my grandma and has since became a member of my family. he had no time to be the little devil he has always been. he’s worried.

“dah tak ada dah. maaf (she’s gone. sorry)”

my uncles and aunties started to cry. in fact, everyone in the room cried including the neighbours. i was the only one left with dry eyes. deep down inside, i thanked god for her demise. it’s time for her suffering to end. i called my mum and asked her to call my dad who is in hawaii. later, i sent the doctor home. when i was on my journey home, janet jackson’s song, “feedback” was played on Fly FM. then i was thinking, my grandma will no longer give any feedback after this. it is kinda ironic.

everyone rushed back except my dad. he could not find a flight home in time. it was his turn to organise the funeral but he could not make it. so, my uncle had to do it. my grandma’s elder sister was the first to come and cry on my grandma’s body followed by other relatives. bury her tomorrow, my mum said. clearly she wants it done fast. my dad cannot make it in time, so why bother delaying her funeral.

so i skipped school and informed my secretary, jueanne and asked her to tell the teachers that the most notable absentee is absent for a valid reason. there were lots of people who came and pay their last respects. i didn’t know that i have that many relatives. heck, they even know about my existence but sadly it was not the other way around.

the one most badly affected by this tragedy is none other than the small boy.

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the shirt he wore displays our house number here in KL. it’s not like he chose to wear this shirt on my grandma’s funeral (he can’t even wear his shoes correctly), it’s just a coincidence. this boy is babysitted by my grandma shortly after he was born. she was paid at first but she decided not to accept any payment after a while as she has treated him like one of her grandchildren. that is why he comes over everyday right after kindergarten.

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he is deeply attached to my grandma, my aunty and my mum. so losing my grandma was quite a bitter pill to swallow. during the proceedings of the funeral, he held my arm tightly and didn’t let go.

my grandma is quite a popular figure in the area. i’m not sure why. so when my mum, the boy and i went to the nearest shop to buy sweets (my mum promised the boy sweets), taiko, the shopkeeper, decided that the drinks we purchased are on him. heck, he even stuff the small boy’s pockets with free sweets. that boy always go to his shop and get the same sweets so taiko knows which sweets to stuff in his pockets.

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this is where my grandma frequent during the last months of her life. thank you, doctors who took care of her even though you knew she was on borrowed time.

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guess i didn’t follow the rules in the hospital.

a lot of people came and witness the ceromony including our new human resource minister, datuk s.subramaniam. not kidding. i don’t have a picture to prove it but he’s friends with my uncle who lives in segamat, johor. came all the way from johor, i thank you. i didn’t cry throughout the two days. i never thought i would cry. i was wrong. the moment they close the coffin, i broke down and shed tears. i hugged my mum. i realised i will never see her again.

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i have never seen such a beautiful flower arrangement in my life. clearly it befits my grandma’s colourful life. i din;t actually wanted to take photos on that day. i was not sure whether i can take them. have you ever seen people taking photos of funerals (except celebrities)?? then my uncle told me to take it. it was our business, he said. he even scolded me for not snapping the moment where he shook hands with the minister. so i took three pictures only as it was near the end.

i will never forget my grandma. i have some regrets of not celebrating deepavali with her last year. i celebrated with my friends in sitiawan as it was a week before SPM. how would i know she would be gone this year. i always remembered that she will always give money whenever i stop the ice cream man. i would always remember the funny ointments she gave when i was in pain. i would always remember the comparisons she made with my father. i would always remember her shouting at people when she’s not happy. i would always remember the times where i would stupidly ask my grandma “still not finished?? what episode is this??” whenever she watches her favourite tamil dramas on astro (thank you, astro for giving us vaanavil and sun tv). i would always remember that you woke me up before 9 on whenever i’m there because you hate people who wakes up late. there are more things i would remember of you.

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she was buried beside my grandfather at our family graveyard. not that we own the land but most of the deceased family members are buried there.

on tuesday, a day after she was buried, my youngest cousin came and asked, “pati mana??? (where’s grandma??)”. my mum told him that she took a flight and went travelling. we won’t see her for a very long time, she told him. small kids are innocent and easily cheated. then the small boy placed a stick he found by the roadside on the altar, beside my grandma’s photo. he said when she was alive, she would always find a stick to beat him. so in order to make things easier, he placed it there. that small boy can sometimes touch your heart.

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her death can be considered a blessing from god. at least she found the exit from her pain and suffering. try staring at the ceiling for almost a year. if i was bedridden, i would ask the doctor to end my life.

so goodbye, pati. hope you’ll go to heaven and meet up with tata and mo-appa. may your soul rest in peace

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women power

after 32 years and on his 71st birthday, samyvellu is no longer minister. ahahaha. another donkey that lost is kayveas. joy to indians. it’s finally time. arronan, go and fulfill your dreams of successing samy vellu. the door is open. hehe.

I KNOW HOW TO PUT ON A CONDOM!! before the guys go “who’s the girl??” and the girls start screaming “why sachin, why?”, let me stress that I’M STILL A VIRGIN. so girls out there, take a huge sigh of relief as you still have a chance to deflower me. wait. if i’m still a virgin, how do i know how to put on a condom? it’s very simple actually. i put it on another penis. that does not sound right. i let the pictures do the talking.

condom.jpgthe rubber!!

slipon.jpgslipping it on another penis.hehe

nube.jpgreceiving instructions

result.jpgresult

well, this is the result of the second attempt. now i know why you’re allowed to use a condom once. the real result is supposed to be tight with no wrinkles on the rubber as well as some space left at the end. i got the no wrinkles and tight part but  not the space part. the nurse told me that my first attempt will burst the condom and let my tadpoles to swim towards the goal. woah! i’m so lucky i learned to do it here instead of my first night. so girls, thank the nurse! well, actually, you’ve got to thank a girl. when i was having complications, she came and showed me how. she was not on the demonstartion team, just a random girl who appeared out of nowhere. she showed me how to put it on like a pro. wow, she even explained in to me how it is supposed to be and stuff. guess what, she’s just 2 or 3 years older.hmmm.

for paticipating (and getting laughed at by other guys…hey, at least i HAD GUTS), i got myself……

sweets.jpgsweets and……

bookmark.jpga bookmark which displays steps to put on a condom.

wait, how come there is a demonstration?? well, the School of Social Science and Liberty Arts of UCSI organised the International Women’s Week 2008 last week. i’m their unofficial blogger.haha. it was a week where women were celebrated all over the world. there are lots of events

cuteboy.jpgcute eh?

poster.jpgone of few posters.

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these posters were placed on every entrance on the floor. it means we’re not supposed to step on women. but somehow some college students here are very dumb as they cannot see the symbolic meaning.  hence there were footprints on the posters.

intlwomensweek.jpg this was in my goodie bag

yup, i received a goodie bag when i entered the multi-purpose hall. everyone did. in the goodie bag there were a program booklet, Scholl vouchers, Serene Aesthetics voucher, food vouchers and a small tube of Garnier Anti Imperfection Type A or something like that. it’s kinda cool. guess who were giving a speech when jueanne and i arrived at the hall. the amazing race asia contestants. of course they are women. zabrina (winner of season 1), pamella (runner-up season 2) and diane (one half of the mothers team) made special apperances. arronan, you posted in your blog that i would feel jealous if you took the Sabahan girl’s picture. i have something better.

jueanne.jpgjueanne with the girls…and presenting……

me.jpgthe amazing women magnet™..ahahaha

local celebrity meets tv celebrities. notice how they got closer to me to get a photograph taken. compare my photo and jueanne’s; there are no gaps in between me and the amazing women. ahahaha. anyway, i met the most confident woman in my life that day, zabrina. the first girl to ever give me a firm handshake. even winnie does not do that. anyway, it seems like malaysian women are dominating the show. that is until my participation in the race.YEAH!!

anyway, no photos of felicia or mei yun with them. in fact, they left early because they couldn’t stand a boring talk. wow, pang yat huah’s lessons did train me to withstand boring talks. however, the talk was not boring, it was informative. it was given by a successful woman who has qualifications some men can dream. she achieved so much that i forgot everything and couldn’t put it in my blog. in her speech she sang praises of successful women such as datuk seri shahrizat (former women and familly minister…sadly she lost to anwar’s daughter after all that she has done for women in malaysia), oprah (thanks to her, i know what a clitorectomy is) and others.

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seriously the whole row was reserved for me. in fact, only jueanne and i were sitting there. ahahaha. jueanne was lucky to be my secretary. see, she get to sit at places others don’t dare to sit. there was a musical performance after the talk by the UCSI music students. they belted out songs from the 80’s. it’s funny how ivy wanted to study here and didn’t actually end up here. huhu. then there was a fashion show by the fashion students.

hamsap.jpghamsap cameraman

this guy is really hamsap. everytime a model struts her stuff, he will aim from the butt up. means he’ll focus on the butt and slowly move up. it happens for every single female model. seriously. then there was a waldrobe malfunction. all the guys went nuts and cheered very loudly. ahaha. i was laughing when i witnessed the waldrobe malfunction and i told jueanne.she didn’t believe me and told me it was part of the outfit. then after the she left the runway, the hamsap cameraman was smiling like a pervert and told jue anne, “dah nampak“. dude, sudah nampak then keep it to yourself. don’t go and tell the nearest girl you see. you don’t even know her!! guess he’ll rewind the tape over and over and over again.

there was a special apperance by malaysian autor, Lydia Teh. frequent readers of The Star’s Mind Our English column will notice that her book “Honk! if you are a Malaysian” was featured some time last year. in fact, she is one of the contributors of the ‘Eh Poh Nim’ series. couldn’t get her autograph as i was stuck in chemistry class. then, there was a special performance by Andrew Tan, winner of Astro Talent Quest 2000-something. he just belted A song and left. what a performer.

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this, winnie, is your reproductive system if you have cervical cancer. wait, where’s the cancer? the cancer is inside. our teachers taught us that the cervix is just an opening (a hole) to the uterus but the cervix is actually the inner muscles. as you can see, the narrow pathway leading downwards from the uterus to the vagina is no longer narrow. i didn’t get to see the cancer cells as i’m not allowed to touch the display.

there are lots of games organised. i was the fastest guy ever to get the answer right in an IQ test. ahaha. i didn’t know i could do that. i collected some 90 points on my coupon before the coupon ended up in my washing machine. my chance of winning a tv goes down the drain. however, there was a contest which its main prize attracted me.

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a pair of black lingerie. girls, nothing turns a guy on like black lingerie (any comments on Melissa the big fat b*tch in this will be swiftly deleted…it’s horrible to imagine). all you have to do is get the most correct answers in a quiz. luckily i was late for the quiz (i think only 6 or 7 people took the quiz…means the probability of me winning is 1/6 or 1/7) so i didn’t get a chance to participate. but if i do win, what am i going to do with it? i don’t wear lingerie (i’m not that sick) so my only option is to give it away. but giving away lingerie is not as easy as giving chocolates or sweets to girls.

since it was International Women’s Week, the sponsors of the event came and promote their products at discounted prices. Body Shop was introducing their new shampoo products at a discounted price. so does Serene Aesthetics. however, the only thing that i purchase was a custom made laptop skin from CW Craftworks.  *DRUMROLL*

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my laptop finally reflects me in a way. nothing is way cooler than this skin except better looking batman skins. ahaha. this was the best skin i can get which is timeless yet edgy.

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this is what winnie might look like in another 50 to 60 years time. but i think at that time, she would be very proud of it.

guys out there, respect women and someday we’ll have international men’s week. ehehe

‘X’ marks the spot!!

elections are just around the corner. i guess in sitiawan they have already put on the banners and rockets. ehehe. i expect a victory for the rockets although the weighing scale could pull an upset. no chance for green flag though, your manifesto is downright PATHETIC!!

it’s basically the same here. the candidate in my place had just organised a dinner for the whole kampung last sunday. too bad he didn’t get a chance to see me, the real VIP (very important person). ahaha. of course he spreaded his manifesto; saying he’ll do this and that…bla bla bla. however, he has a reputation for being stingy. the food at the dinner he organised was not enough because of limiting factors (MONEY la!!! he does not want to exceed his small budget).

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weighing scale keychains were distributed. the small kid in my house gladly put it on his pencil box, his bag, his house keys and god knows where. that’s how many keychains he was given. there’s a small twist in the keychain.

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for those who don’t know (especially winnie), this is selangor’s chief minister: khir toyo. i really pantang to see my own face on keychains or cards of any kind. those who are jealous of me (note: there are people who are jealous of me..i’m serious) could easily take it and perform some voodoo or jampi. hey, they could even vandalise it or use the image and paste it on a naked man while claiming it’s unedited. i have high morals ok. by the way, khir toyo is one of the most charismatic ministers i’ve seen. check out his portrait: he’s the only minister who took his picture sideways unlike any other ministers. pandai camwhore nampak.

after witnessing parties putting up posters everywhere, i was thinking. what if i run for the elections? what would be my manifesto? at least my manifesto won’t be as lame as PAS’s. can you believe that they had the nerve to put up a huge banner that reads : ISLAM UNTUK SEMUA. that’s freaking pathetic; using a religion as your manifesto. there are other races and religions. respect them, you morons! no wonder Kelantan is underdeveloped. they have narrow-minded people to run their state. what is even funnier is that they have allied themselves with PKR (parti keadilan rakyat) and say that if they win, 30 cents will be cut from petrol prices. though it may sound interesting, it could never happen. malaysia has been subsidising petrol for many years. i think the oil prices now are quite reasonable if compared to other countries. it will deplete our resources if petrol prices are reduced. means we have to pay higher taxes to cushion the impact.

i can’t take it anymore. if my country needs me, i will serve them by running for elections. presenting my plans!!

i don’t want to join DAP or BN. i wanna run as an independent candidate. calon bebas!! so, i need to have a logo.

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hehe. what a logo for a party. but i’m scared i might get sued or SPR will reject this logo.

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hehe. arsenal and transfromers combined. ahaha. perfect for me. but i found this on the net. it’s not original. so, i have finally decided to use this logo:

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my signature alien. so far, no one in this world is able to create this. so its mine, all mine.

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i haven’t voted before so i think this is the situation. mark an ‘X’ beside the alien.

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this poster will be up only in front of my headquarters. i do not want to put up posters on walls or hang banners. i can assure you no one is going to clean up the mess after the elections are over. i’m calon bebas, remember?

you know what, maybe i should set up a party. yeah, i’ll ask ling gear long to be my political advisor. everything sure can jalan. then samuel can be my creative director. he can design all the posters ala Kiamhu Man comics and post in on the net. hmmm, arronan will be a good addition. he can be my bodyguard. he looks a bit soft but i can assure you when the going gets tough, he gets tougher. ahaha. maybe i’ll get kit kei as well. her ganas mode will be very useful. ehehe.

if i win, there are a few things i would do. the first, i will use approximately 40% percent of the funds given by the government to buy oreos and yogurt. they are not for me, mind you. they are actually for the school-going children. for years, schools have been selling cream-o’s to students. its horrible. they deserve better. they should get a small packet of oreos every single day for free. well, yogurt is comlimentary with the oreos. it provides a medium to dunk the oreos in. not for lactose-intolerant people though. i am noble, right aoife??

for primary school students, i have a surprise.

batman.jpg batman figurine???

toothbrush.jpg nah, toothbrush only

oral hygiene is very important. so i have decided to give all of them a batman toothbrush. not only am i promoting oral hygiene, i’m actually influencing them to like batman. ahahaha.

another thing high on my agenda is the cleanliness of toilets.

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after 17 years (this is the 18th year), i’ve finally found billion’s toilet (sitiawan branch). i wished i have never found it. it’s horrible and downright filthy. if i’m in office, i’ll make sure every toilet is like the 50sen- toilet in lumut; only it’s free

hehe. i’ll ask samy vellu to step down too if i’m elected. he has been in office for 32 years (according to my aunty) and its time to go. even mahathir was not prime minister for 30 years. go and live your majestic life in india, dude. it’s ironic how he made a comment on he’s going to leave if the indian community wants him too. dey, we want you out a FREAKING LONG TIME AGO!!

behind every successful man, lies a woman. its true. so, anyone interested to be a politician’s wife? yuanwen said that i should get a chinese one but i’m feeling a bit adventerous now. chinese mixed with ah moh, anyone? or maybe indian mixed with ah moh like laura of cornetto love? perhaps. or girls like shanna. but a chinese will do.

oh ya, schools which have ridiculous rules like the fan must not be switched on for the first two periods will be banned with immediate effect. you need to cut costs? i’m sorry but the fan is essential for the condusive environment where students are supposed to study in. you need money, i’ll ask the government to give you some. yes ACS-ians. vote for me and the fan will be switched on the whole day. ahahaha.

you’re not really a typical malaysian politician if you don’t abuse some of your power. i will make a law that sends people to jail if they call me a malay or a siamese. hehe. no kidding. that means ian and weijian might probably go to jail but i’ll spare them. it’s the people here that i won’t spare. oh ya, i’ll send people to jail too if they question my tamil-speaking skills. “Karu, why your son cannot speak tamil…teach him…”. a very distant relative (i doubt that she is even related to me) asked my dad why i can’t speak tamil. so what. it’s not a freaking big deal. can you speak chinese?? so shut up and mind your own business. accept the fact that i’m a mangosteen; take it or leave it!!

you do know that all the things i’ve written above will most probably not happen. but if you do vote and you see the alien…

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put the ‘X’ beside it. exercise your right to vote.