i just had a conversation with a girl a few hours ago.she’s really very nice to talk to and i feel like throwing away my chemistry book (which made my holidays insignificant as i have to run through them daily for a few hours) away and just throw them away and chat the next hours away.from the few minutes we chatted,i’ve scratched disneyland from my list of potential honeymoon venues.haha.sometimes i do pity the girl that want to be with me (if there’s any).if you’re reading this,thank God she talked me out of disneyland.
anyway,we chatted about batman and catwoman (i brought that up) and some other stuff until she popped a question that NO ONE has ever thought about asking: so,how does it feel like being mixed???
wow.a good question.a question that i have the answer but since no one asked i never spilled.so,what does it really feel to be of mixed parentage???am i more ‘coffee’ or more ‘milk’??? (by the way,i hate milk).do i prefer being ‘milk’ or ‘coffee’???it really made a lasting impression and i find myself unable to sleep just thinking it through.so here i stand (more like sit) and blog about what i feel about being of mixed parentage.
the truth is,being mixed is really hard especially when one part of you is ‘coffee’ and another is ‘milk’.do you feel as if there are two types of blood flowing through your veins??? nope.i don’t feel that.haha.the blood’s the same,sweetie.anyway,as a kid,you tend to grow with expectations of continuing the family tradition.it’s something like the chinese (especially the ones on TV) where they want sons to carry on their family name/surname during the old times (i’m not sure whether it still happens or not in this modern area).well, when your dad has a big family and he didn’t really continue the family tradition,the relatives come and ask you questions that a kid should not have even considered giving it a thought. “khanecksha,bila besar nak kahwin cina ke india???”.a standard reply from a boy who does not know the difference between the races,”saya tak suka perempuan”.hehe.don’t be afraid girls,i like girls very much now.i’m not sure why after a certain period of time,they have never bothered me with this question.perhaps a intervention from my mum,the notorious Madam Jo???hehe.highly likely.you should not pollute a child’s mind with ideas on races.
in kindergarten,i never had problems making friends of another race.scratch that,we never had problems making friends of different races.my first friend was an indian guy named jeremy.i’m not sure where he is right now.my first girl friend was joanne ho.haha.i would like to talk to her someday since we never talked since like primary school??anyway,small children with unbiased minds in tadika linden are set to be the country’s leaders (hehehe…possible) until………
anyway,primary school was no different.i was running around (what do you expect a smaller version of me would do???) before i enter class with malay,indian and chinese kids.it was then i met chiaching,yuanwen,thomas,glenn foo’s tupperware (i wonder whether he uses tupperware in matriculation or not???i forgot to ask him the other day),yipork (he was big back in those days as well…glad you lost weight) and many others.i finally faced a difficult problem regarding my mixed parentage during a UPSR camp held in batu 10.since the malay students gathered every night for their own thing,the non-s had moral class.sadly,it was separated:the chinese go to the chinese class and the indians to another.oh my god.where should i go???technically,i was supposed to go to the indian class but i don’t understand tamil.i’m not going to waste my time sitting still in a corner while everybody else chat away happily.i don’t like being left out (during those days…hehe) so i went to the chinese class where chiaching and glenn was.who cares if i can’t understand chinese.i have TRANSLATORS.hahaha.chiaching even made fun of a chinese girl.if i’m not mistaken, her name was Cho Li Yuen or something.all i know was chiaching started shouting “COLI,COLI,COLI!!!!ahahahahahahaha”. we laughed (our gang) as well.i remembered chooiping was there.yipork was all over her during the camp.haha
remember the part where linden-ers were supposed to be the country’s leaders???we should have been until we entered secondary school.this is when our minds are biased.the chinese hang out with the chinese,the indians with the indians and the malays with the malays.fortunately for me,i can hang out with all races.sadly,the indians think i’m too indian;and the malays think i look like them but i’m totally not one of them.that is when i first experience one of the ugly sides a human being can potray.
despite my indian name,you would notice that i don’t have many indian friends.those who know me can practically name all of them.as i mentioned above,they think i’m too chinese for them or i don’t have enough indian qualities to be a part of their community.it’s really disheartening.i’ve made a few efforts to blend in but my efforts were to no avail.despite their friendly nature,i can feel like they’re judging me. “the only thing indian about him is his name.nothing else”. trying hard to be accepted by them was a complete waste of time.so,i stopped interacting with them and became ‘snobbish’ (in their opinion)
then,the constant questions that i dread.why can’t i speak tamil???why do i pay more attention in improving my chinese but never bothered to speak in tamil??why am i losing my indian heritage bit by bit???my extended relatives (eg.my dad’s cousins and their cousins) never failed to ask me or my dad about it ever since i got to KL.it’s so unfair.things didn’t really work out for me in those areas.my dad doesn’t speak to me in tamil.in fact,he only speaks in english and malay in public and even to his family.i didn’t go for tamil classes or had any friends who speak to me in tamil when i was young.i speak english the very minute i learned how to speak.gosh,i feel like telling this people off but then i have to be polite for my dad’s sake.he’ll lose face if his only son was rude to the elders over a question that was asked in a very polite manner.it hurts everytime they ask.
fortunately,i am blessed with people that don’t really care about it.yvonne,chiaching,glenn,daryl,just to name a few.even ian and weijian (despite the ‘siam kia’ calls) don’t really care about my mixed heritage.in fact,they enjoy touching on it.my indian friends are exceptional.they have never consider me as any less of an indian.to them,i just can’t speak tamil (which is true).i thank you arronan,ramanan and others.i do have malay friends.although they lack in numbers,they don’t lack in being good friends.my parents and my family helped out.they sometimes answer the dreaded questions for me.
being mixed is not all that bad.i get the best of both worlds.deepavali and chinese new year.who gets to do that every year?the food?ahahahah.one of the reasons why i was 40kg heavy when i was only in standard 4.i get to experience both cultures which again,many people didn’t get the chance to.i’ve met people like me (justin lembu,robinson,timothy james) who face the same problems but choose to enjoy the priveleges that we have.i’ve also met mixed people but of different races.most notable person is aoife noelle ngo ping hui (irish+chinese=chirish),of course.i enjoy looking at unsuspecting people’s faces when they find out i can speak chinese especially during basketball.first timers usually speak to me in malay (english when in college) during the game and when the ball is out and i said “wo men de qiu (our ball)”,they go “you know chinese???”.ahahahaha.
do i prefer being an indian???do i prefer to be chinese??
the answer is i prefer to be stuck in the middle,being myself.i don’t care whether they accept me into their community or not.i’ve realised that its a privelege for anyone (especially those who judge or question my identity) to know me.it may sound snobbish but it takes a snobbish person to know one.accept people for who they are.we are here for a reason and it’s definitely not being ostricised by you so called “pure beings”.
i remembered that you hated milk (yay) and i’ve never seen you drink coffee so i would rephrase my question that you didn’t give me an answer for,
“HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR CHOCOLATE??? DARK OR WHITE??? OR SOMETHING IN BETWEEN???”